Football Mascot Hell

Cristiano Ronaldo is excited to see Fred the Red

2008-03-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

Oh Ronaldo, it's not that I'm angry...I'm just disappointed.

The Serious Bit

2008-02-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yours truly has decided to do her bit for charity and will be cycling the 14.5 mile route of the London Underground Bakerloo Line for Sport Relief. Not in a mascot costume - though I did consider it. The extra padding might add protection during a crash, but it would be a bit tough to keep my feet on the pedals.

Money raised for Sport Relief goes to a staggering array of good causes both in the UK and abroad. Drop a couple quid in my virtual hat if you'd like - much appreciated. I'm trying to raise at least £200, plus get over my fear of cycling on the A-roads.

Mascot Looky-Likey #2: Birthday Double

2008-01-30T03:37:00.001-08:00

Happy birthday to Spurs super Slavic striker Dimitar Berbatov...

...Who resembles Bristol Rovers' Captain Gas right down to the pose!

Also chalking up another year today is Liverpool & England's Peter Crouch:

And we know that's not very original, nor is Timmy a mascot (though he was voted greatest disabled TV character EVER by BBC users), but this is something even my mum can appreciate. And she does, y'know.

And now for some news

2008-01-09T10:54:00.000-08:00

(Yes, I know the Bolton picture is outdated. Deal with it.)

Burp

2008-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

Billy Brewer, Burton Albion FC
Am I the only one who thinks he bears an uncanny resemblance to Dennis the Menace?

While City Gent and Freddy the Fox may have little in common with the teams they represent, I dare say Billy Brewer is the most appropriate mascot around. Overweight, sleepy, and looking rather daft, he's is a mascot to which supporters of Conference National side (and 2006 FA Cup wonders) Burton Albion FC can surely relate.

Despite his hefty beer-belly, Billy won the gold at the first-ever Mascot Olympics held at Collingham FC (who?) in 2004.

Betty Brewer, the long-suffering (as much as a mascot can suffer) wife of Billy, was a creation of Angela Hallam, the costume designer also responsible for Coventry City's Sky Blue Sam. (Well, at least we know she's probably not a furry.)

Big girl, you are beautiful. No, not you, Rooney. (Inset: Angela Hallam)

Unfortunately, Betty's tenure at Burton Albion has come to an end. I reckon the punters couldn't deal with a woman who knew something about football. See, I have to hand it to Ms Hallam & Co for dressing Betty in football kit, but still retaining her femininity in the form of a handbag and what appear to be foam rubber breasts. Because, y'know, women's football doesn't get the attention it deserves, and women are allowed to be both athletic and feminine and drunk and heterosexual all at the same time. That's my soapbox for the day.

If you can stand the poor quality of the footage, here's a clip of Billy getting ready for action:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5VobHexI1M

The City Gent

2008-01-01T14:44:00.000-08:00

Another Yorkshire Classic, this time from League Two.

Picture Bradford City A.F.C. for a moment... the Bantams, valley parade, years of obscurity, pies...

All of these are valid, appropraite themes for a mascot, a 'city gent' is not'. The fact that they chose this fine specimen of Yorkshire flesh to be said gent is staggering.

I wonder what he does after the matches?

Freddy the Fox

2007-12-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

I think http://www.freddythefox.co.uk/ summed it up quite nicely when they wrote:

"You may be wondering why a football club in West Yorkshire, with no apparent wildlife connections, has a fox as a mascot."

A very good point. The explanation, however, is truly brilliant...

"Well, back in the mid 1990s, a fox was often seen hanging around The Shay stadium and was blamed for the regular appearance of strange holes on the club's pitch. This was put down to the fact that the fox would collect discarded pies from the terraces and bury them beneath the turf."

Freddy the fat, pie-eating fuck-fox

An achievement even for a team as piss-poor as Halifax.

It's short for Herbert

2007-12-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

In my life, I have done many things that make no sense.

At age 14 I ran into a brick wall (not on purpose). And I'll admit that, once, after catching my big toe on the hem of my pyjama bottoms near the top of a staircase, I started leaving sticky notes next to my bed reminding me to not fall down the stairs. I did the same for a while after having a close call with a motorbike whilst crossing the street. I am 23, by the way.

I even wore a Primark dress to my university graduation ceremony (it looked well nice, though).

But I have never, ever, ever felt the need to jump inside a giant fuzzy hammer suit and cheer for West Ham.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Herbie the Hammer:

Hold the Timmy Mallett jokes. They've already been done.

I should mention that WHFC has rolled out a, how should I say this, more cuddly co-mascot, Bubbles the Bear - yes, in reference to that Millais painting and that song. Whenever I hear West Ham supporters singing, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles," I can't help but yell back, "Why won't she let you stick it in?"

Yes, I know I'm sad. That's why I support Spurs.

Mascot Looky-Likey #1

2007-12-28T09:08:00.001-08:00

Everton's Thomas Gravesen...

And Southend's Sammy the Shrimp.

They even got the colours right!